Panic, which everybody says you shouldn’t do, is clearly the best response to Covid-19.
In fact tearing off your clothes, screaming, clawing at passing police officers, mooning peak-hour traffic, and running down the streets bearing a placard with the words “The end is nigh” has proven positive effects, and here’s why:
1. High pitched screaming both clears the airways of any virus-attracting mucus, frightens off bats, and sends a clear signal that you are potentially contagious.
2. Removing your clothes means that you are not harbouring the virus in folds or creases (folds and creases in your clothes anyway).
3. Mooning passing traffic slows people down, and therefore the spread of the virus.
4. Running has obvious health benefits, keeps you ahead of bats and pangolins, and boosts your immune system at this critical time.
5. Holding an informative public service announcement placard speaks for itself.
6. Clawing police officers helps them to know who to shoot.